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atheism, atheist, birthday, catholic, christian, christianity, culture, existentialism, god, humor, inspiration, life, religion
Ahhh … got this text from my mom at 7:51 am EST …
“Exactly 34 years ago at this minute, 6:51, God blessed me with an amazing gift of life – you! Happy Birthday, child of mine. OGCLYM.”
OGCLYM. Only God Could Love You More. She signs all texts to my brother and I with that. Thanks, mommy. I do love you, and I appreciate your intention. But, suggesting that you love me LESS than the imaginary nothing which inspired me to consume the first 33 years of my life like a cross-eyed bovine is not comforting to me.
“Allz I have to do is lay here, and god will take care of everyfing.”
And, suggesting that you love me MORE than everyone else who loves me less than that undermining nada doesn’t do a whole lot for me either.
We Love You!! Less than your mom!! Who loves you less than nothing!! But, that’s still pretty good!!
And, then I got a text from my dad at 8:36 am EST, which, if considered with the first text, might help explain where I get “it” from.
“Happy BD … have a special bd poop today! Luv Da Da.”
So, what is “it”? Scatological fascination? An incongruous thought process? Anti-social, subversive tendencies? Intimacy issues? Excessive guilt?
There are plenty of positives, but it’s my birthday. NOT the time to dwell on those. A birthday is more productively spent isolated in the throws of regret & existential angst than with loved ones who insist on –
OH, enough … fortunately for anyone reading this, I got distracted by an encouraging stimuli (leave it to your imagination, but it WASN’T a boob), and now I want to change this birthday tune!
Ohhh … look at it out there! The world is beautiful & it’s all mine to explore!!! Carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe!!!
If I pray really hard today (or if I drink a lot tonight), The Guy With The Eye may make an appearance and give me some sage advice before the clock strikes midnight, my special day is all over & the real word takes me by surprise!!
Ohhhh, BLESSED be me from my father, BLESSED be me from a whore, BLESSED be me on my BIRTHDAY, My birthday THREE & FOUR!!!!
Alright, actually, I think my mother might’ve lost her virginity to my father, but it’s my song & my birthday. Be nice or piss off.
You really do live atop an old shoe factory! That’s very cool, Charlie Bucket! And happy birthday.
Well, it’s a paper factory, and I live in loft on the top floor, not a shed on the roof. But, a partial truth was just as good at that time.
Nah, you probably did say paper but my mind erased it and inserted shoe. I hope for your sake they left some of those jumbo rolls lying around downstairs.
No, I said shoe. I specifically remember fibbing about it
Sounds like you’re having a really special day! Thanks for brightening mine up anyway with this classic line: “We Love You!! Less than your mom!! Who loves you less than nothing!! But, that’s still pretty good!!”
I may have been a tad hyperbolic, but if i can replace just ONE PRAYER with a laugh, then I’m at least on the outskirts of happiness.
That’s a beautiful thought!
Happy berfdayyy!!!! GETDRUNKGETDRUNKGETDRUNK!!!!
and you know your mommy meant well, don’t be a bastard son
Logan, I know she did! That’s why I let her keep a hope that it might work, as I can’t bring myself to let her know that it doesn’t.
Ahh, she called shortly after, and told me that she was dedicating her intentions to me at mass. On a Thursday!! It makes me so sad. And lonely. If she only knew.
Don’t get too drunk – your favorite girlfriend
My only girlfriend and proud lover? You can’t be her; she knows how responsible I am with my alcohol.
Congrats!
I’ve been looking all over for a relevant quote, but it seems people spend much more time musing on funerals than they do on birthdays. So I decided on Marie Antoinette: “LET THEM EAT CAKE” It might not be much, but it’s honest…
You cynical devil! Thank you.
Yes, birthdays are a distraction from the suffering of the world.
So what’s all this about a new bday?
You just got to be careful when you turn the tap on , that’s all, and watch out for those Crocodile Dundee moments.
And be nice to your mum….
I WAS nice, damn it! She doesn’t know about this site.
Oh yes she does… Mothers know EVERYTHING!
Then, she is a SADIST!
Aren’t they all?
getting drunk and having a good poop while wallowing in existential angst sounds like a fine plan. Carpe Stercus.
Ahh, yes, Stercus, that’s what I was after. Thanks.
Well, for your birthday I’ve got a thought for you. That you don’t believe in gods doesn’t mean that life has no meaning. Especially on your birthday. The most traumatic moment of your life happened 34 years ago and you can’t remember a second of it. With a little bit of alcohol you might be able to achieve the same greatness again tonight. As for meaning in life, take heart in the fact that when we die there won’t be people standing around wondering what to say for eulogy because we didn’t believe in gods… they will spend plenty of time thinking and talking about the meaningful things that were in our lives… but hey, that’s a long time off in the future. So chear up already. Make a couple paper airplanes and tell us how far they go from your shack on the roof.
Thanks. I’m cheery. I’m hopeful. Dude, I have nightmares EVERY NIGHT in which I’m saving the world from the apocalypse … fighting ruthless alien invaders who look like my friends from childhood. I can handle a birthday in the waking life. No prob.
I agree with you about meaning. It might not really matter what we do, but that doesn’t matter either — if we accept that — making something meaningful is just a natural reaction — a wondrous thing our brains do when they wander.
My brain wanders so much that I spend up to half my day tracking it down to keep it from wandering off
Oh, I bet. Wanna TRADE???
Dude, I am SO disturbed when I receive phone calls from people to wish me happy birthday. What a BOGUS platitude … it makes me SAD how ridiculous it is. Like: actually saddens me — it’s like a hydraulic shot of hot air into the existential balloon … “hello everyone down there! Yeah, it’s just me up here!”
I don’t advertise mine anywhere. I dislike the plastic though bubbles people wear on my birthday. I don’t celebrate it at all, any cards received are left in a drawer till I’m bored and need something to do. What I do celebrate is my DD-214 day. Some will know what that is, some won’t.
Without googling I’m going to guess military something. Maybe the last day served?
I don’t give a shit about my birthday, or anyone’s birthday. Genuinely celebrating it seems ludicrous to me — but I am always in the market for a get out of jail free card.
LOL I like what the Greeks do. They celebrate a birthday AND a name day. A relic from religion, but there are ilke 15 feast days for Christopher. 3 of them in August, so that’s like a week of drinking and eating in celebration.
Me? I like to celebrate 5 p.m.
Hah! Christopher? Are you a Christopher, too? Or, are you saying that for me? (desperate to relate
No, There are no name days for my actual names. The closest I can get is to go with March 29 for MALaki. Really, there are no name days for my real names.
I don’t even think there has been a Saint Asshole, so that name won’t even work
Happy birthday, whippersnapper.
happy birthday mate!
drink yourself silly
Thanks! Don’t need to drink for that
What if your mother never lost her virginity and you are Jesus? What an existential problem you’ll have. Happy bd and poop like a bovine; cow pies throw better. Argus is a lucky dog.
Hahah. Ya hear that Argus?? Quit your bitching, and appreciate the christians I throw you.
Wow. That WOULD be pretty sad for mankind if I am Jesus. The only miracle I can work is farting so stinky at the dinner table — it would make you puke up your wine.
Look, if You really are Jesus can I say how nice it is to serve You and if I’ve said or done or written (even alluded) anything in the past, present or future (bugger Your being omnipresent) that may have offended You please be aware that I was only exercising the Free Will You gave us. Me. Whatever; and if You’re thinking Judgement any day soon then I’d like to take this opportunity apologise for any accidental offence the birthday boy here may have inadvertently given You out of (a) sheer ignorance and/or (b) using the faculties of analytical thinking your Dad (how is He, by the way? Keeping well? Still writing?) fashioned into His design before the Creation.
If you’re not Jesus you owe me a beer for pulling my paw …
I owe you a beer. You earned it, anyway.
gaw, i still think your mother is sweet. i suppose if my mother texted me that, I would be in awe of the fact that she loves me so much, she felt it necessary to conceive of something or someone who loves me even MORE. because it’s never enough.
happy birthday, you handsome devil
Happy Birthday Chris!
Awesome post and the bit about – A birthday is productively spent isolated, is so true.
Thanks, Arjun. Wow, I didn’t think I’d get any agreement on that bit.
It looks like I’m late to the party… bloody time difference. The good thing is now I get to know whether you listened to your girlfriend above or got as drunk as an ant in a cellar. How does your mom even remember all the letters of that acronym? I can’t manage it myself. Only Love Goads You More…
Actually, I ended up being a total bore. Working from home yesterday, I treated myself to a couple of daylight beers — we went out & had a nice dinner & some mixed drink with jam in it. Then I was done. Better off today, I guess.
Your father’s message probably topped everyone’s; “have a bd poop today”
Why are boys always talking about poop hahaha
Is poop fixation the norm in your experience? I think it was taken to another level in my house, growing up. Not that we were painting the walls with it or anything.
Yes,growing up,my brothers talked about it all the time! As growm men,they haven’t stopped