On my way to church, with a bundle of pamphlets under my arm …
Lucifer: Hey, man, spare 76 cents for I can get me some Cheetos?
Chris: Sorry, sir, I don’t have any change on me, you want to go into the store- I’ll buy you some on the card?
Lucifer: Nah, that’s ok. Thanks for offering. God Bless You, sir.
Chris: Listen. I will go to the ATM and get you 20 bucks if you remember this: people bless people. People bless people.
Lucifer: Yes, sir, god bless you, sir.
Chris: People bless you.
Lucifer: Whatever, you self-righteous prick — where you going with those pamphlets?
Lucifer: Let me see what you got there … “Jesus Is A Myth” … well, you’re part right.
Chris: Is that, right, how do you know?
Lucifer: I’m “Jesus”.
Lucifer: Yeah, nice to meet you, Chris, you might know me as Lucifer.
Lucifer: Yes, and you might not want to keep on with your little mission, there, because god gave me a limited number of tickets to heaven to distribute.
Lucifer: Here, I got one for you.
Lucifer hands Chris a ticket that says: Destination: Heaven. First Class.
Chris: That’s nice.
Lucifer: It’s good is what it is. The real deal. You earned it, kid.
Chris: How did I earn it?
Lucifer: You didn’t fall for it. Fall for my tricks. You didn’t believe in god, and you were still a good human being. Good work.
Chris: What tricks?
Lucifer: The Bible. “Jesus”. You saw through it. Good work.
Chris: So, I’m going to heaven, because I DIDN’T believe in the bible and Jesus?
Lucifer: How could you!?? I mean, honestly, I thought I would have given out all these tickets A LONG TIME AGO. But, god was right — people don’t like to read. He said, “If you tell them that ONE BOOK has everything in it they need, the ‘leaders’ are gonna shove it down their throats and all the commoners will ask for in return is a glass of water.” He was right. He told me, “Lucifer, it DOESN’T matter WHAT you put in it — do your worst. It will take human beings thousands of years to figure out that the whole thing is your cryptic crock of shit.”
Chris: Wow, so you inspired the bible?
Lucifer: Well, you knew god didn’t.
Chris: And, you were Jesus?
Lucifer: THINK about it.
Chris: Well, cursing the fig tree makes a bit more sense, now.
Lucifer: It was pissing me off.
Chris: And, I can see how god would want you to be tortured to death.
Lucifer: Yeah, well, god was pissed at me for doing such a good job on earth, and in hell … I don’t feel pain. Good to be the king of damnation. I inflict pain; I don’t feel it. How could I have time to torment billions of souls, when I’m crying over some magma sizzling my skin, ya know?
Chris: So, god sent you to earth to feel pain.
Lucifer: YEP. But he forgot how clever I am
Chris: You convinced everyone you were his son.
Chris: Wow. That’s … that is pretty impressive. (looking at the ticket) So, this thing is good, eh?
Lucifer: Yep. First Class.
Chris: How do I … board??
Lucifer: Just die. But, don’t kill yourself. Enjoy life on earth as long as you can. Believe me, Heaven SUCKS. It’s BETTER than Hell for you. Obviously. But, there’s no personalities. Everyone is equal. There’s no rich, no poor, no greed, no ignorance … I mean … buncha socialists & atheists up there, ya know? Everything is “objective” … bleh, “objective, objective” … I mean, god loves ‘em. I’m being nasty. They still have fun, they just … so skeptical.
Chris: I can see how that would aggravate you. Objective, so you’re telling me Ayn Rand got a ticket?
Lucifer: Nooooooooooo. But, she fooled almost as many “christians” as I have, so I made her my servant. Every day I let her shower in fire without her senses for 10 minutes.
“Uh-oh, Paul Ryan!!!”